Tardiness at it’s best – my last blog post was November 17, 2017. But here we are, starting fresh (it’s a new decade after all) and I’m so thrilled to be re-launching my blog. I have big dreams and goals set for this platform. And if there is one thing that I have learned since my last post, it is realizing that life is not a race – everything happens for a reason and we must trust the process that ensues.
I wanted my first post to focus on filling everyone in on what’s been going on in our life since my last published post. I wrote a couple of drafts but nothing felt like it encompassed the true emotions and feels, especially of the last year. One hope for this blog is to connect and be real about feelings without any fear – and I felt the best way to do that was to publish a vlog. This will be released in the next couple of days. Until then, I should probably share why I have decided to re-launch, and who is behind the added inspiration to keep writing.
On November 6, 2019, Ma and Pa were blessed with a beautiful little girl, our second little warrior, Aliza. Oh my, has this little one completely swept us off our feet and stolen our hearts. I call her my little buddhini baby (the female version of buddha; yes, I made that up) because she has the most contagious giggles and smiles.
Let me take you back to the day we found out we were pregnant. I took the pregnancy test and it confirmed I was 2-3 weeks pregnant. I was beyond happy. A completely different feeling. I didn’t feel scared or anxious – I was just happy. But also, busy. Because shortly after taking the test, I had to attend to my toddler -prep her a snack, play, change a diaper, the usual parenting paradigm. And that’s how the entire pregnancy felt; continuously on the go, running around, and never truly getting a moment to breathe. Before we knew it, it was the night before my scheduled c-section and the next morning we were bringing a second baby into this world. WHAT?
If you remember, Amia was born via an emergency c-section, and the recovery was far from easy, both mentally and physically. I decided to have a scheduled c-section for Aliza because I was skeptical to labour to only result in a second emergency c-section. I know many women have successfully delivered their second babies naturally, but I didn’t want to take my chances. Working in risk management, I did my fair share of analyzing and decided this was the best course of action. I had many conversations with my OB who reassured me that I was not taking the easy way out and also reminded me that even with a scheduled c-section I was still at risk of developing an infection. Basically, there was no easy or fearless way of getting Aliza out. So, it was decided: a scheduled c-section on November 6th at 39 weeks pregnant.
The months leading up to baby’s eviction date went fairly smoothly. Aside from being exhausted all of the time, I can’t complain. I enjoyed my pregnancy as I did when I was pregnant with Amia. I took exercising seriously this time around; I basically trained my body to keep working all necessary muscles so that I would not feel defeated post pregnancy. I wanted to feel strong after my c-section this time around – because this mama would have two little humans who would need her. Ah, that emotion was the hardest to fathom – that at the end of my pregnancy journey, I would be a mother of two. How would I be there for both? How could I love another? How? It’s unexplainable, but the moment Amia walked into the hospital room to meet Aliza for the first time, that natural flow of love just happened. I had my two beating hearts in front of me, in my arms, and I felt full – full of joy, full of pride, and full of love.
I felt mentally prepared to deliver Aliza. With Amia, I was heavily sedated and I vaguely remembered the procedure but this time, I took it all in. Matt and I woke up as we normally did on the morning of November 6th. We got Amia ready for daycare and my parents had spent the night so that they could drop her off. Matt and I arrived at the hospital at 8 AM as the c-section was scheduled for 10 AM. Upon arrival, I was asked to change into a hospital gown and wait for the nurses to come and get me hooked up. The hours leading up to the procedure felt so long. I was worried about Amia, about the procedure, about the baby, just about everything. I was given some medication to help with my uneasiness, but I was still scared. I joked with Matt that I wanted to go back home – I didn’t feel like delivering today anymore. But the time had come and the porter arrived with a wheelchair to transport me to the operating room. Once I was outside the operating room, I was told I could just walk right in (um, pardon?). I walked up to the operating table, where I could see all the tools, masked nurses, and my OB – who again reassured me that everything was going to be okay. As I was being prepped, Matt was outside the room getting prepared himself. The worst part about getting me ready for the surgery was that damn spinal anesthetic. I swear I can still feel that sting to this day. But once the spinal was done, it was showtime. As much as I was afraid, I also knew what to expect. I knew what the steps were. I knew that Matt would be coming in shortly. I knew. During my first emergency c-section, I didn’t know a thing. All I remember was a cloud of panic to get Amia out because her heart rate was dropping. I wouldn’t say it was a calm state of mind the second time, but it definitely felt less dramatic. There was no panic from anyone.
Matt was sitting by my side and I felt safe holding his hand throughout the entire procedure. I also couldn’t stop crying. And shaking. Oh the shakes! That’s the second worst part – having absolutely no control of the shaking. It took a bit longer for my OB to get to Aliza because there was more scar tissue to navigate through. And finally, one of the nurses asked me, “do you know what you’re having?”, and I quickly responded as tears of joy were flowing out the corner of my eyes, “it’s a girl?!” And at that moment, they brought Aliza to the warmer, checked her, and brought her over to me for skin-to-skin. The moment she was on my chest I just felt a wave of confidence. I remembered how to old a newborn. I wasn’t afraid anymore. Aliza was in my arms and nothing else mattered, she was out.
Aliza was born at 11:12 AM on November 6th weighing 6lbs 11oz and 19.5 inches long. Aliza didn’t leave my side – we were together in the recovery room and we tried breastfeeding and oh my did this little lady come out hungry. The only problem, my milk did not come in right away. And because my milk wasn’t in right away, Aliza wasn’t getting much. My recovery was going well while in the hospital, but Aliza was dropping in her weight and that made the doctor’s concerned. Of course, if it isn’t one thing, it’s something else that eats away at a mama’s worry. The best thing I could’ve done was continuously put Aliza on my breast – even if she was just sleeping, it was telling my body that I needed to produce. Plus, I was soaking in all of the newborn snuggles as much as I could, because this time, I knew how quickly this time goes by. And finally 4 days later, we were discharged. And then the real fun began, when we got home, as a family of 4.
Recovery was hard but I knew what to look out for. I took it easy. Aliza and I camped out in the bedroom. We didn’t see civilization for a while, but I was okay with that. Aside from doctor appointments, we didn’t leave the house. I was very paranoid and would ask Matt to routinely check my incision. I also always held Aliza. I never wanted to put her down. With Amia, I felt as though I had missed out on some of the most critical moments when she was first born because of the post surgery complications. I was re-admitted to the hospital during Amia’s time. I was away from her. And I sometimes still hold that in my heart. I understand that I needed to get better for her. But my mama heart feels as though I missed out on some key bonding time. So, I wouldn’t say I hoarded Aliza, but I definitely kept her close. I admired every little wrinkle, every little noise she would make (even those grunts), and smelled her freshness as much as I could. I still do. I often get told to not hold your baby too much because they’ll get used to it. Seriously? I can’t hold her enough.
So, welcome baby Aliza. You have just naturally made your place into our world. There hasn’t been many adjustments – sure, we sleep a little less. But who cares? I feel like people are always so concerned with sleep and feeding and questioning why our babies cry so much. Just a gentle reminder that for 9 months this baby was sheltered and comforted in my womb. She was warm and fed. The outside world is naturally a scary environment, with so many different things to see and smells to take in. There’s nothing wrong with a little rocking, a little extra soothing, or warmth and cuddles from mama and dada. That’s their natural instinct – and it should be our natural instinct as parents to always comfort our babies.
That got a little heavy, so to end on a lighter note, I’m going to get cracking on some editing and getting that vlog out. If you made it this far, thanks for reading away at my random mama thoughts – there’s so much more thinking and overthinking to come.
Meenakshi is Mama Untold Thoughts 